Writing brings realizations

​I confess...I tend to be a bit conservative. I think it was passed down to me from my parents. They were born in the depression so it's understandable why they were conservative. That's the way they were raised.
 
I am sitting at my desk, doing some writing, working on changing some paradigms, creating new beliefs and habits. This morning, my pen ran out of ink, so I got another. Both of these pens are just some freebies I got from somewhere. But I'm just using up extra things laying around, rather than using my "good" pen that I save for more important things. As I type this, I realize how silly that is! Changing my paradigm is really important! I'm switching pens right now! (This is a great example of how writing creates thinking.)

But what got me started with this train of thought was when I used up my notebook (it was so old the spiral was rusted – true confessions today - LOL) and got another notebook out of my box of half used spiral notebooks that I've saved. This is where the conservative awareness comes in (beside the pen). At first, I chose one, sat down and opened it. It had a nice stiff cardboard front and back and I thought, “I should save this for when I'm writing and not sitting at a desk.” So, I went back to the box and selected this pink notebook that my daughter used in high school, the pink one in the photo here with the miscellaneous pen. 

As I started writing in this pink notebook, I realized how nice the paper is. It took me back to buying school supplies and how normally I would begrudgingly buy her the supplies she liked even though they cost more than the 25 cent spirals that were on sale. She always has had a taste for the nicer things. It was an inner struggle for me, spending more money on these school supplies when we could buy some that didn’t cost as much. I thought, it’s just paper!
 
As I started writing in the pink notebook, I realized how nice the paper is. It is smooth, and soft, and the ink flows nicely. I thought of how nice it feels to write on this paper. That may seem insignificant, but I thought of her in school and maybe it made her feel good about herself. It's making me feel good about myself using it now. Doing something for ourselves that makes us feel good is really important. From now on, I am going to strive to be less conservative in that way and realize the "feeling" value in buying certain things.

Being conservative is a belief in lack. It’s holding on to something for fear the money won't be there to buy it later when it’s needed. For me, it often seems to be more of not wanting to waste, which is a big part of who I am. I'm big on recycling, repurposing and giving away for someone else to use rather than throwing away. With my increased awareness around my conservative nature, I will work on distinguishing the difference between being negatively conservative and not wanting to waste, and ask myself "why" when holding on to something.
 
I received two important messages today from my writing. First, sometimes the “feeling” value is more important than the dollar value. Second, to ask myself “why” when holding on to something and ask myself if I’m being too conservative in this situation. Both lessons give me a sense of freedom, knowing I can let go of beliefs that don’t serve me. I’m grateful for the awareness I've gained from my writing today.
 
This would also be a good time to say to my daughter, in the Hawaiian practice of Ho’oponopono, "I'm sorry. Please forgive. Thank you. I love you." She was ranked 4th in her High School Class, so she apparently knew the better notebook was important to her success.

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